The other night Stacey and I were sitting in my room talking about how much different life is now from a few years ago. For one thing, we drank a hell of a lot more back then. Stacey commented that she didn't know how we did it, and I pointed out that there were really only a few times that we actually got out of hand with it. Like the time I punched myself in the face. Stacey reminded me what a great story that was, so I dug it out of the archives for you to re-read. Or to read for the first time if you weren't around back then. So here you go, from May 19, 2007:

I woke up sometime around 3 am and found myself on the couch with a bag of frozen potatoes on my face. I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I think I punched myself in the eye. I don't know how because I have no actual recollection of that event. I just remember talking to Stacey about it after it happened.

I think we drank for about ten hours again yesterday. After an adventure in Camden at the unemployment office, which went rather successfully, we didn't know what to do with the rest of our day. The world was our oyster. It was Friday, we didn't have to go to work, and it was only 10:30 am. We were pretty sure that no place was going to serve us alcohol yet, but they probably wouldn't mind starting at 11. So I asked Stacey where we could go for lunch that would take us at least a half an hour to get to. She sat silently for a few minutes, calculating times in her head. Then she suggested we go to Atlantic City. I said, "Why the fuck not?" and put the car in gear.

We made a brief stop at CVS to make a new adventure survival kit and get a road atlas and new sunglasses. Then we were off. It only took about 40 minutes to get there, and we went straight to the Taj, because it feels like home to me. We signed ourselves up to be VIPs, and I'm already a VIP at the Hard Rock, so that's where we went for lunch. The guy who came to clear away our plates, who was not our server, said he was jealous of us and wished he could start drinking that early. At that point it was after 1 pm, so I don't know why he thought it was so early. Then he asked us if we could hang all day. We told him of course we could, we were professionals. He said, "I'm only semi-pro." I told him, "Keep practicing!"

Then we went out on the floor and threw money recklessly into slot machines. I broke the bank and won $53 at Slingo slots. The Break the Bank one gave me balls and $38. So then later, when I was wasting quarters in some random slot machine, an attendant came by and asked me, "Did you break the bank yet?" And I said, "Yes I did! It gave me balls!" Then he put his hand on top of the machine I was playing and said, "Everything I touch turns to gold." Then I won fifty cents. Stacey dubbed him King Midas. We saw him again later and he held his hand out to me like he wanted to turn me to gold. After spending all of the cash I had in one pocket (pin numbers on credit cards are dangerous things) and turning in the tickets of my winnings that were in the other pocket, I was only down about $17. Stacey only lost about $20. And we had a blast.

We stopped at the Ego lounge and watched part of a kickboxing match while sipping $10 apple martinis and watching all the curtains and crystals change colors. Stacey and I were confused about the rules of kickboxing, but Stacey seemed to figure some of it out and announced, "Apparently, if you hold him for at least 30 seconds and whisper sweet nothings in his ear you get to knee him in the balls once. But just once!" We scared off a man who was sitting across from us at the bar, and when I saw that he walked off onto the casino floor with his drink in his hand, I suggested we wander around with ours, too. We found some interesting tables that had curtains all around them for privacy. I am quite certain that people normally sit there so they can do lines of coke off a hooker's ass with no one the wiser. While Stacey and I sat in there giggling and finishing our drinks, a casino employee came over and kicked out two random people that appeared to be sleeping on one of the couches in the lounge, right outside our shrouded little haven of privacy. Stacey was alarmed, thinking that we were next, but I reminded her that we were paying customers and VIPs and we could probably get away with almost anything. Those vagrants out there weren't buying drinks, I pointed out to her, they were just sleeping on the couches.
After that, we harassed the people at the VIP counter for a bit, wanting to know about our sweepstakes entries and whether or not we had won that giant-screen TV. She politely shooed us away after telling us we hadn't won shit or ass.

So then we drove back to Deptford and went to the mall. Stacey had to pick something up and I tried on a pink dress for her birthday. It was a size 8, though, and it was way too big. We walked around in circles in the mall for a while, harassed some mall employees, and then tried to decide if we wanted to go in Ruby Tuesday's, or leave the mall entirely and go over to Adelphia's. I reminded Stacey that Adelphia's would probably have a free buffet, so we went over there. This was a HUGE mistake. Although we did have fun playing the Jumble Safari game and scaring the hell out of some wedding guests who were hanging around the bar waiting for their ballroom to open up. But, the buffet sucked ass. It was so much less satisfying than the last time we were there. I got a phone call from Ariana, wanting to know where I was and if I would drive her to the mall. Despite the fact that she is in big trouble and I have confiscated her iPod and Nintendo DS, and although we had just come from the mall, we went back home and picked her up.

I came up with the brilliant plan that we would bring her to the mall, then go to Ruby Tuesday's and drink some more while we waited for her to be done running around with her friends. She never found her friends, though, perhaps due to the fact that we were 45 minutes late in getting her there. So she sat with us at the bar instead, and I let her order dinner and a smoothie (which I don't think the guy charged us for, although I don't remember). Stacey was trying to convince me to hook up with the bartender. Despite his horrible laugh, I was actually considering it. He was definitely flirting with me big time, and catering to Ariana's every wish in what was probably an attempt to impress me. But I decided he still had another hurdle to get over before I would consider him seriously. He had to actually make a real move, and not just flirt with me and tickle me as he walked by on his way out the door. But, he failed. He did not ask me for my phone number or anything like that. He just left. So fuck him.

I've decided that if a guy doesn't have the balls to actually make a move and declare his intentions outright, then he is not worth my time. I will not be the pursuer. I will not be the aggressor. I want to be chased, goddamnit. I believe I said something to Stacey about making a deal with God about it. I'm not 100% sure of much that happened around this time, because as I mentioned earlier, we had been drinking for about ten hours by then.

We finished up our drinks and food and headed back out into the mall because Ariana had some gift cards to spend in Claire's and Hot Topic. I got a bathing suit in Hot Topic that is FUCKING ADORABLE. Ariana and Stacey made a huge mess with 200 sticks of incense, and then we inexplicably left the mall instead of going to Claire's. It was after arriving back home that I somehow managed to punch myself in the eye, and I don't really know what else may have happened before Stacey had to leave to get back home. We were definitely sitting on the kitchen floor with pages of quotes spread out all around us and I was wailing about my eye and holding the bag of frozen potatoes to my face. And now I'm pretty much right back to where I started this story off, so there you go.

Now it's Deptford Day, and the parade seems to have just ended if the lack of sirens going off is any indication. That's what woke me up for the second time this morning. After finding myself on the couch with the potatoes at 3 am, I came up to bed. Then the parade woke me up about an hour ago, and I have an appointment for Amy to do my hair in a little while. Then I'm not sure what we're going to do with the rest of the day. It IS Deptford Day, which I just told you. Geez, pay attention, will you? And being that it's Deptford Day, there SHOULD be fireworks later, but it is also supposed to rain like a motherfucker tonight, so I don't know if that will really happen. We also are invited to another barbecue in the black hole. I don't know why they always have a barbecue on Deptford Day. But we might go over there. I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just going to take this day as it comes and roll with the punches.

Hopefully the punches won't come from myself and hit me in the eye anymore.